As Sarah Silverman once said, “A couple of nights ago I was licking jelly off my boyfriend’s penis. And I thought, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother!”
Yes, we have all raided the fridge during a romp in the sack with our boo — and if we didn’t know any better, Tide detergent made us their bitch afterwards. Sometimes a girl just wants to spice things up in the bedroom with a tasty treat … but we’re pretty sure actual spices are an emergency-trip-to-the-gyno bad idea. Here’s your definitive guide to bedroom-friendly foods and the ones you should keep in the kitchen!
1. Whipped cream. The gold standard of bedroom foods! It makes a funny noise, it’s hands-free, and it doesn’t melt. Well, not after a long while, anyway. Added bonus: if the sex sucks, you can always just do whippets instead. (Kidding! Don’t do drugs.)
2. Ice cubes. Who amongst us has not fished an ice cube out of our tea on a brutally hot day and slid it across our forehead or shoulders? See, you already know the pleasures that melting ice can bring! In bed your boo can stroke a cube down your neck, around your nipples, inside your inner thigh, and for the truly adventurous, in your special lady place.
3. Peanut butter. If you are going to lick something off your dude, it might as well be tasty, non-melting and packed with potassium.
4. Sugar. “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” swear by a little sugar in the vajayjay — abrasive and sweet. We say that messing up the pH balance in your lady place is not worth the hassle. But who are we to question Phaedra and Kandi? Maybe check with your gyno on this one.
Foods You Should Leave In The Kitchen
1. Popsicles. This sounds like a good idea. Popsicles are almost like ice cubes, right? Plus, there’s a stick — how handy! But don’t be fooled: Popsicles melt into a puddle of sugar on your sheets.
2. Melted chocolate. Another sexy-food that sounds made for the bedroom — but isn’t. Chocolate is a lovely aphrodisiac for romancing someone into your bedroom, but it isn’t something you want to wash out of your sheets. Besides, doesn’t melted chocolate kind of look like skid marks?
3. Honey and syrup of any kind. Sexy, yes, but runny as all hell. If licking honey or chocolate syrup off your boo entices you, save it for the shower.
4. Cucumbers. Who started the rumor that cucumbers are even remotely sexy? They really do not look that much like a guy’s d**k (especially not if he’s uncircumcised!). And you’re basically asking to ruin your enjoyment of cucumber raita forever.
Have you tried any foods in the bedroom not listed here? How did it go? Tell us in the comments!
Original by: Jessica Wakeman